College Dreams

Dreaming. That's what my Facebook status was today. It could apply every day, but I'm afraid of angering the few friends I do have. So I generally post inspirational quotes, song lyrics, and witty one liners to keep the truth at bay. All the while I'm still dreaming.

I've been skipping classes for days now. No one has tried to hunt me down, and I don't know if I should be relieved about that. I can always be found in the same place, so if anyone wanted to I'd be easy to find. But no one does. So I just stare into the sky and daydream.

When I was younger, I remember staring into the sky and feeling small. Now I just feel a vague disappointment. The universe, I'm sure, has failed me on purpose. So all I can do in response is stare it in the face and dream. The fluffy white clouds pass slowly across my vision as I think of little.

Laying down on that hill, I think back about what my grandfather told me. He would always talk about how lucky I was that I wasn't an immigrant. I agree. More importantly, though, he told me that he came here because of dreams, but none of them were ever fulfilled. Grandfather went to his grave unsatisfied and bitter.

Everything he ever told me is locked somewhere in my head, where math and history and motivation should reside. He always told me that I took everything for granted, which is true. He'd constantly talk up all my failures, but the most important he left off the list.

My mother got knocked up by a trust fund college kid messing around with the guy from across the tracks. No matter what 80's movie you love, those guys rarely step up when the girl gets pregnant. Grandfather never told me so, but it was obvious that he blamed me for my father's choices. His angel, though, still took first place in his heart. I think that's why nanna ran away with the milkman.

College opened me up to a realm of possibilities, but did nothing to prepare me for the ramifications. I think I need meds.

So as the sky slowly darkens I still gaze to heaven. I just hope I'll wake up soon.

There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after." - J.R.R. Tolkien